Everyone has dating horror stories, but I’m tellin ya, mine always seem to stand out. With the exception of my friend Sarah (who should really write a book on this), I think I have had some of the strangest dates ever. Sometimes I find it amazing that I continued dating after these. (Although I’m very glad I did, for obvious reasons…)
In honor of this post and link-up over at The Life of Bon, I’ve narrowed it down to my top 5 Dating Horror Stories. Names have been left out to protect the innocent. Also, most of these were Match.com dates. Nothing against Match, since I ended up meeting my fiance there, but just know that when you do on-line dating, you’re going to have to wade through a lot of muck to get to the right guy. Or at least, I did. A lot of muck.
1. The One Who Pretended to Be Handicapped
For our first date, we were to meet at the old Emeril’s Restaurant in the middle of Buckhead one night. Parking was scarce, but I finally found a spot and headed toward the restaurant. As I neared the doors, I spotted my date getting out of his car. Which was parked in a handicapped spot right in front. He proceeded to brag to me about how he had gotten the sticker for his car a few years ago after a skiing accident and how it “still works” for parking whenever he needs it. He even clarified that he was now perfectly healthy — just really clever to have held on to this great perk. Then he ordered my meal for me before I had even looked at the menu. I considered making that handicap tag official again…
2. The One Who Tried to Stage a Never-Ending Date
As soon as I walked in to the restaurant and saw him, I knew he was not “The One.” I just wasn’t attracted to him. No way no how. I always hated when that happened because now you know it’s not going anywhere, but you are still committed to an hour or two in this person’s company. Sigh. Anyway, we talked over dinner and it was nice enough, but I was really just waiting to escape. It was a weeknight, it was late, and I was tired. And the waiter NEVER CAME BACK after serving us our meal! Looking back, I really think my date paid the waiter not to come back, because that waiter visited every other table multiple times. The restaurant cleared out, and closing time approached. Multiple hours had passed! Still no waiter. Finally, I said something about it (“Where’s that waiter? Gosh, he’s taking awhile, huh?”) and the dude just laughed and said “I know!” He was clearly not concerned. They were putting the other chairs overturned on the tables now. I finally RAISED MY HAND and loudly called for the waiter, who begrudgingly brought us the check. Longest date ever. Literally.
3. The One Who Led Me On With Dessert
For this first date, he had arranged for us to meet at a little dessert bar, Cafe Intermezzo, which was very promising. I love desserts! How thoughtful and intuitive! When we arrived, the guy ordered us coffee and attempted to sustain a very boring conversation about rock climbing and ecology. He would not be swayed to any other topics. I’m sure many people enjoy both rock climbing AND ecology. But I am not one of them. Meanwhile, during this boring diatribe on rock outcroppings, the dessert display was literally right behind his head. I had to look at the forbidden desserts the whole time, while also pretending to look at him and listen to his lecture on biodegradable camping supplies. Finally, finally, he suggested we order a dessert. Except he meant one dessert. For both of us to share. Meaning I did not even get my own dessert out of this ordeal. We ended up skipping the dessert and I waved a hasty goodbye on the way to my car. It was a very disappointing evening, to say the least.
4. The One Who Made Me Throw Up
This one might forever be a mystery, but it is probably also one of the worst nights in my life. For this first date, we met at Chops Lobster Bar, which is very pricey and fancy. I was really looking forward to it, and I had even bought a new black dress for the occasion. We had lobster bisque and lobster mac n cheese, and I had just started my steak, when it became immediately obvious to me that I was going to throw up. As in, NOW. I ran for the bathroom mid-sentence. In fact, I had to make several runs to the bathroom during the date, eventually having to explain myself. I felt so ill I didn’t think I could drive, so he was kind of stuck there with me until I got whatever it was out of my system. He was incredibly nice about it that night. I still don’t know what caused it. I’m allergic to MSG, which could have been in something, or maybe it was just too much rich food? Maybe I had a stomach bug? Unbelievably, the guy called me back and we dated for awhile, but it just was not a good fit. I guess my stomach was trying to tell me that already. Oops.
5. The One Who Made Me Dance in the Driveway
After about a week of dating, this guy was quickly becoming way too clingy. I could not have a single night to myself without at least talking to him on the phone for an hour. After two weeks, I asked for a little space, and he said okay. And then he proceeded to call and text me continuously. After about 2 1/2 weeks, I was done. Over it! I called him and broke it off. Or so I thought. The night I “broke up with him” was a Wednesday night. I was scheduled to move the next day, so I was down to the wire, trying to get everything packed and ready for the movers and get in bed by a decent hour. It was 10pm and I was in my pajamas hurriedly throwing things into boxes, when the doorbell rang. There he was on my front porch, asking if we could just “sit down and talk it out.” Not only did I not want to talk it out, I literally did not have time! But he wouldn’t leave, so we talked and I still maintained my position of “I do not want to date you”. He gave it one more shot. He asked me if I had ever danced in the driveway before. Um, no? But maybe if I did, it would make him leave so that I could finish packing and get in bed? I walked out to the driveway with him, and he turned on his car’s stereo. He said that he had been thinking about this song on the drive over and that it perfectly encapsulated everything he wanted to tell me. And this incredibly meaningful song, which began blaring loudly over the speakers at 11pm, was …. “A Whole New World”. Like from the Disney movie Aladdin. And that song is like SIX MINUTES LONG! I just kept thinking “What is going on?” and praying that none of my neighbors was videotaping this moment and putting it on You Tube.
Thankfully, I never gave up on the dating scene, and my first date with Jason made up for all those others. We talked for hours, and I remember driving home with the biggest grin on my face that night. If you’re in the thick of Dating Horrors, just stay strong and keep trying. Maybe also say NO if asked to dance in your driveway. And remember, Karma says that the more times you’ve wanted to escape out of a bathroom window, the better your first date with the right guy will be. :)